Day One (ish) Miami, FL - Tallahassee, FL

Mile #26766. (AKA Mile 0) We discover the Chevy HHR doesn't have a trip odometer. Jeff has to do math to record the mileage. At least one of the H's now stands for Hatred.

Mile 1 -- Mama & Papa Burke pull up next to the Chevy HHR. MamaBurke shouts, "Don't forget to put your lights on!" Keith: "It's sunny out!"

Awww, the Burkes!

Mile 1.3 -- We drive by Kosher World. Oy.

Mile 1.9 -- Our first Freeway: 195!

Mile 3.0 -- Dead bird on the road! Yuck! Also: The Burkes are tailing us.

Mile 4.5 -- We lose the Burkes! Bye Bye, Burkeys!

Mile 7.8 -- 95 North! We can take you to Philly, yo! But we're not gonna. (yet.)

Mile 9.0 -- Passing the "Boobie Trap Love Stuff" store. Jeff doesn't take a photo, as he is too busy trying to figure out the iPod gizmo that Bookie loaned him. Silence ensues.

Mile 10 -- Radio finally turned on. Solid as a Rock blares, courtesy of Lite and Refreshing FM. Silence once again ensues.

Mile 14 -- Toll! $1.00

Mile 15 -- CryPod finally starts up. IMAP theme ensues. Keith pines for the silence.

Mile 15.5 -- Ahhhhh! We're in Hollywood!!


Mile 21 -- We pass a giant billboard that reads "Hello! My name is HUGH JASS!" Jeff is still too busy with the CryPod to take a photo.

Mile 33 -- Toll: $1.00!

Mile 38 -- Silence once again ensues.

Mile 40 -- Jeff finally figures out the CryPod once and for all.

Mile 67 -- AHHH! Lanes Shift! AHHHH!

Mile 80 -- Poppycock!

Ofcourseheis.

Mile 83 -- Billboard that admonishes: "NEVER, EVER SHAKE A BABY!" Jeff is, once again, too busy to photograph it. Perhaps if Tina had seen that billboard 31 years ago, Jeff could focus.

Mile 89 -- Keith enters comedy jail for wondering if Sesame Street would have been as popular if it was named Poppyseed Street.

Mile 90 -- Jeff has to wazz.

Mile 98 -- We discover the Chevy HHR has a secret compartment. Pooping Chickenjoy takes a nap.



Mile 114 -- Wazz-Break! Port St. Lucie becomes Port St. Lu-pee!

Mile 127 -- A woman vomits off the side of the road. Gross.

Mile 157 -- Sign warns: "Now entering Yeehaw Zone!" AHHH!

Mile 162 -- Exiting for Yeehaw! Toll $8.80. Terror ensues.

Mile 164 -- Leaving Yeehaw. Ack. (See Jeff's post.)

Mile 165 -- Keith announces that food will be consumed at Kissimmee. He decrees: "It's a real place."

Mile 198 -- Keith yawns and realizes, "We've only been driving for three hours?" Jeff: "This is gonna be a long trip."

Mile 208 -- Toll: $4.90!

Mile 214 -- No food in Kissimmee. Good thing there is Poppycock. Chickenjoy still sleeps.

Mile 220 - Keith declares he is drunk with power because the HHR is five inches off the ground. In other news, there's still no food.

Mile 221 -- We enter Orange County. Jeff wonders where the Real Housewives are, dies a little inside.

Mile 235 -- Turkey Lake Rest Stop. Keith points out a small puppy. Jeff looks up just in time to see puppy's owner--a 75 year old woman--hock a lugie.

Mile 249 -- Toll $2.50!

Mile 251 -- Keith angrily renounces his birthplace of Florida, citing its boringness.

Mile 291 -- Someone worse off than the two bozos in the Chevy HHR:

2nd Worst Road Trip Ever.

Mile 301 -- First Gas Break--at the Horse Capital of the World!


Maybe that'll give the Chevy HHR some extra Horse Power. Ehhem. How's it goin. . .?

Mile 317 -- Jeff returns to Comedy Jail for a lame Keith Urban joke. He pleads insanity, brought on by the fact that he is listening to Keith Urban.

Mile 321 -- Keith wonders where he can find a antique. Oh:


Probably here.


What an relief!

Mile 372 -- Holy Hotel!

Apparently, there's room at this inn.

Mile 383 -- Jeff goes insane six hours into road trip.

Mile 387 -- 10West to Tallahassee! We can take you to Santa Monica. We're also not gonna.

Mile 424 -- Entering Madison County. Jeff goes back to jail wondering where the bridges are.

Mile 475 -- Tallahassee! Weoo!