We're Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I wouldn't call it a comeback...



It's really more of a flare up.

For more road trip blog hilarity, please see East Infection 2008. We promise that you'll only be slightly disappointed.

The Birthday Gurl!

Happy Birthday, Jon! We miss you and we are on our way home for your Special Day!





Photos Courtesy of Ruane Family Archives, Inc.

WEOOOOO!

End of the Road

So the end has finally come. After having one last breakfast with Rotten Ralph and Screamin Tina, thanks again for your hospitality, and I hope the new bathroom is lovely (Hey Tina, are those tiles from Color Tile?), we packed up the HHR one last time.

But not before we went to Rotten Ralph's bus yard so Adam could geek out on the school buses. It was pretty hilarious to watch Adam on the bus. My camera was still being wonky, so here is an artists re-enactment of the scene...

G A Y!!!

With that we bid a fond farewll to Philly yo! I had a great time there, all of Jeff's friends were so amazing and welcoming. I can't wait to come back and visit. Could I write a few more run on sentences...I have an English degree, I swear. Anyway, we drove the stupid HHR up to Princeton New Jersey to have lunch with Tony Sitoy. It was so great to see her, and Jeff and Adam's other friend Shannon. But then they started reminiscing about the good ol' days at their radio statio PST. Hi, I might have been a little bored, but thats cool, Jeff and Adam were so excited to see them.

After lunch, we headed up to drop of the stupid HHR. We couldn't have been more excited. Arriving at National Rent-a-Wreck in Newark New Jersey, we were all in great spirits, we were heading to New York, we were finally getting rid of that giant piece-o-crap, when tragedy struck. We forgot to fill up the F'ing gas tank. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

So we had to leave the rental lot and drive around Hell, aka Newark New Jersey looking for a gas station. After nearly dying 7000 times we finally filled up the car and dropped it off. I would have done a cartwheel, but I was too tired. So we hopped on the train and headed into NEW YORK!!!!!!!!

We checked into our hotel, Adam was very good with the planning, which was great because Jeff and I are idiots and can barely manage Mapquest. After freshening up, we hopped into a taxi and headed for Little Italy for dinner. The restaurant was absolutely delicious, we ate so much (big shock there), Jeff loved his meal so much he decided to wear it...

Mmmm, Gnochi

It is so amazing to have friends like Jeff and Adam, they truly are family (Jon was sorely missed though, we just aren't the same without the 4th Golden girl).

Look how fun!

Cafe Napoli, YUM!

After dinner we headed off to hit the bars. Adam was in charge and he took us to a couple of bars, called Splash and G. As we were heading there, I texted Brad and he siad "those are two of the most ridiculous bars in New York". I laughed, it was the perfect way to end the worst road trip ever! Actually the bars turned out to be equal parts fun and ridiculous, but the fun was mostly because I was with Jeff and Adam. It's sad to say, but now it's time for the last photo recap!

At Splash, still relatively sober

Cheese!

Aww, look how cute

And here is Adam ogling the bartender...

So, what's a guy like you doin in a place like this?

Everyone say Vodka!

Gurl, put your records on!

Uhh, I don't know what to say

Jeff get out!...unless you're paying

Watcha doin Bookie?
That looks like fun, I think I'll join you!

We had a great time at the bars. After partying we hopped into another cab and headed to a diner at about 100 o'clock in the morning. New York is a blast, especially with those 2 idiots! I'm sad that the worst road trip ever is over, but I am lookin forward to getting back to LA and seeing Brad. That's all folks, it's been real. Smoke em if you got em (I don't know what that means, but there you go). Hope you enjoy my entries, if not, who asked you anyway!

SEEYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OKbye

TGIFUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well Friday was a VERY exciting day for me. Jeff and Keith finally made it to my parent's place in Cherry Hill, NJ (after Jeff got lost for the 100th time...ofcoursehedid) and we headed for Northeast Philly, home of the Nucera household and one of Philadelphia School District's bus depots!!!! Now here's the thing....I kinda have a thing for buses. The way I descrobe it, some people like cars, some like planes, some like trucks and um...I like buses. So Jeff told me, if I was a good boy on the trip, we could go to see his father's school bus! At one point I thought it wasn't going to happen. Jeff yelled at me and I may have said "Hi, I'm nice!" ... so we made it to the bus yard!!!

When we got there, RottenRalph was patiently waiting for us by sweeping out his bus! He gave us a quick drive over to bus #583's parking spot at the yard and we got to watch him park it! It was sooo fun!!

Sit down and shut up!!!

Once he had #583 parked, I got to play!! He had me walk to the back of the bus and push the special button which allows the bus to shut down since no kids were left on the bus. And I ot to sit in the driver's seat. Fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, I helped!

FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RottenRalph gives me the thumbs up while I hold the fire extinguisher.

I am VERY excited!!!

Then it was off to Princeton to see Toni and Shannon who Jeff and I used to work with at our old radio station WPST. I haven't seen Shannon since I moved to LA almost 5 years ago. It was so awesome to see her. And I was also VERY excited to see my Asian Beauty, Sitoy!!! HOT!!! We talked about old times...we laughed, we cried, we laughed again. Okgood.

Yay!! PST reunion!!



We love our Sitoy! And she tastes good too...kinda like chicken. HOT!!


Keith may have been alittle bored listening to us telling old stories....That's ashame for him.

Then it was off to the BEST city, NYC!!! I LOVE NYC!! I used to go out in NYC almost every weekend while in college and before moving to LA. This place is awesome!! It may be hard to believe, I used to be quite the club kid while in college, which may explain why I get so bored going out now. Every weekend out in NYC til 8am, Friday and Saturday nights. It was fun!!
I haven't been out in NYC for years! So we finally got into the City, checked into our hotel and headed out to dinner aorund 9:30...very typical for the City. After an INCREDIBLE dinner in Little Italy, where I think I gained 100lbs.

Food coma and happiness from the chianti!

After we were done eating it was almost midnight and time to head out to a couple bars!! Nothing ever closes in NYC, unlike LA where at 1:3oam, everything is closed. LAME!!! So we headed to 2 places I used to go to back in the day, Splash and G, both in Chelsea. Well of course we drank our faces off. I think I'm still drunk. At around 3am or so, we headed to the Tic Tock Diner in our hotel for some greasy diner food. YUM!!! Ofcourse we all may have been alittle drunk.

Drunks!!!


Nothin'!!

The last few days have been SUPER FUN!!! I'm so glad I joined Jeff and Keith!!!

Hi, he needs LOTS of help!

Hazy Daze

So we got to North 3rd, this great little corner bar in a part of Philly called Northern Liberties. I wish they had more bars like this in LA, because hi, it was fun! I continued my trend of having all things Philly, so I drank Yuengling beer, a local brew, that is soooooo good!!!! And here's the thing, it was only $3 a pint, fancy!

So we started drinkin....and drinkin...and drinkin, you see where this is goin? Hi, my camera even started drinking, hence all the hazy pictures to follow!

One by one Jeff's crazy friends started to show up, and they were all a complete mess, in the best possible way. Oh and Bookie's brother Matthew and his soon to be wife Monica were there too. It's a little weird with Adam and his brother together because they look exactly alike...

See what I mean

Thankfully I was too full of food to get drunk, but I couldn't stop drinking the Yuengling, it was delicious. Thought I can't really say the same for everyone else, because little by little everyone turned into a bunch of deviants. That's right folks, time for another photo recap!

Jeff and Keith joy

We miss you Jon!

Really!? With the bunny ears

That's StupiDonna's friend Michael O'Connell and just like Donna, that kid aint right!

aww Jeff and Stupid Staci

Megan tells the best F'ing stories in the world

Jeff, Jess and Rob joy

And here is Bookie holding one of the glasses that he ended up stealing from the bar! What's wrong with you Bookie. Stop your petty theivery, we're makin memories!

Do prison jumpsuits come in pastel?

Then things just started goin downhill from there. Jeff attempted to do a lame bit, normally he would just go to comedy jail, but the masses turned on him. I can't even remember what the bit was, but apparently it just sucked

Comedy jail death squad

Nobody has faith in me!

Say BOOB!!!

Then Adam, after having pint number 742, attempted to deface the giant roll of Mentos that Staci brought back all the way from Europia for Jeff.

Is that a Mentos roll in your pocket oro are you just happy to see me?

Jeff didn't find it quite as amusing as the rest of us...

You bitch!

City of Brotherly, Motherly & Fatherly Love

After dinner with the Bookbinders the other night, Keith and I went to my parents' house to sleep for five seconds.

I've been dreading this leg of the journey, seeing as how my parents are...eccentric. Just the other day, on our way out of North Carolina, my father called my cell and all I could hear was yelling. My father asked, "Are you sure you want to bring your friend here?" I asked what all the noise was in the background and he informed me that my brother Chris decided to be mad at my mom today because he bought her some sort of pill box, and she said she didn't want it. Oh--did I mention he gave this to her about twenty years ago?

When we woke up Thursday morning, Keith and I ran off to meet my brother Ralph for breakfast at a diner. My Philly friends all know how rare that is; despite having known some of them for 10, 15 or even 20 years, many of them have never even met him. (Most think he is made up.) He's kind of like Richie Cunningham's older brother. If you were paying attention early on, he was around. Otherwise, not so much. Although I'm pretty much cut from the same mold as my brother Chris and my sister Donna...Ralph chose a different path.

Yes, that's his truck. With a Nascar sticker.

Two Ralphs & a Jeff

After taking Keith around to have some real Philly food, we went to Dinner With My Family. My niece and nephew wanted to go to Friendly's, although my brother Chris desperately wanted somewhere where we could all drink--because he knows how our family gets.

It's not the same without StupidDonna!

For example, here's what happens when you ask my parents, Rotten Ralph & Screamin' Tina, for a "nice" picture.

I clearly didn't take after my father. . .

Although I was a little nervous putting Keith and Adam in front of my family, I think they enjoyed themselves.

"Oh God. There are a hundred of them."

I must admit, I wasn't just afraid of how my family would affect Keith and Bookie. I was a little scared that their deviant behavior would rub off on my niece and nephew.

But I think Bret & Taylor are mature enough to handle anything. Kids today grow up so fast.

All in all, we had a great time--proving once again that even without liquor, we can have a normal, healthy, happy family.

Taylor & Bret with their Uncle Jeff!

Sweet, Sweet Taylor

Hey Bret! Are you happy to see Uncle Jeff??

My brother Chrisp and sister-in-law Lauren. Weeoo!

Well...maybe a little booze wouldn't hurt. . .

Bret drinks the blues away.

After dinner, Keith, Bookie & I headed down into the city for Booze O'Clock. More on that later. . .

Filled with Rage and Deliciousness

So we woke up this morning at Casa Nucera, after only sleeping about 4 hours, which is about par for the course, because we are deviants. Anyhoo, I was very excited this morning because Jeff and Bookie are taking me on a tour of South Street in Philly, and by tour I mean we are going to all the places with great food to stuff our fat faces, as if we haven't done enough of that already.

So we hop in the HHR (Hungry Hungry Roadster) and headed off towards Downtown Philly yo! I was so excited, but my excitement was quickly derailed as everything started going awry. First there was this stupid woman at the toll booth who got out of the car to ask for directions...

I bet she is from South Carolina

So after the toll booth debacle, we finally arrived in Philly!!!! Weooo!!!!!!!! Then disaster struck again. They were having some kind of bullshit protest or somethin, and pretty much all of Philadelphia was crossing the street. Idiots! So we sat for a hundred years stewing in the HHR (Heinous Highwaypatrol Roadblock). Hi I was getting into the spirit of Philly, I was very yelly.



What if Philly was closed? Would I be able to get my cheesesteak? My water ice?? Panic was starting to set in. Even Adam was getting cranky...

That's a shame

But the road trip gods were on our side and we FINALLY got down to South Street. I ran as fast as I could (I really just walked, but it goes better with the story, shut up, don't judge!). After almost an eternity (or 10 minutes) we arrived here...

Let the Games Begin!

The moment had come, my first Philly Cheesesteak...

Jim's is Itailian for YUM!

And that led into us to Rita's for my first water ice...

Rita's is also Italian for YUM! Hmm, weird, who knew

The water ice was absolutely delicious, it was like a fancy slurpee only completely different than that, it's hard to explain, I'm very tired. STOP JUDGING ME!!!! We had a blast in South Street, even if we were freezing our asses off, hi, it was like 1 degrees outside, or somethin

Where's North St. ehhem, how's it goin?

As we bid a fond farewell to South Street, it was time to haul back to Jeff's casa (or crawl because there were a billion cars on the freeway. On a side note, here is the bridge that Jeff missed 18 times yesterday...

Hi, it's huge, Jeff is an idiot!

We went straight over to the happiest place on Earth for you guessed it, more food!

The rest of the Nucera clan was there. Jeff's brother Chris, his niece and nephew Taylor and Bret, as well as Rotten Ralph and Screamin Tina (aka, Mom and Dad). We had a great time, we pretty much took over the entire restaurant because we were so loud. I fit right in, weird. Jeff's niece Taylor is a riot, she is basically an 11 year old version of her aunt Donna (aww Donna, she aint right!).

Jeff and Mini Donna

Bookie and Burkeyjoy

Aww, Rotten Ralph and Screamin Tina! So cute!

Dinner was hilarious. Jeff's family has been so welcoming to the little rafter kid from Miami (hi, that's me, we're boat people). But there is no rest for the weary. It's off to North 3rd, a bar in Philly, to meet up with all of Jeff's crazy friends. More to come! Stay tuned!

Going Postal!

More crazy than plum.

Yesterday, after we left the Plum Crazy diner post MollyJoy, Keith and I embarked on the last really long day of driving. Actually, the total driving time wasn't anything compared to the past few days, but we had a lot of stops to make on the way.

First up was my friend, The Postmaster. Psycho Sharon and I met the same day we both met Weird Al Yankovic, and have been friends ever since. (Yes, we're nerds.) She's a bundle of energy and has paid her (postage) dues and worked her way up to Postmaster somewhere in Maryland.

Psycho Sharon: Postmaster!

Only the Chosen Ones can enter!

Sharon was kind enough to let us into the backstage area of the Post Office, where she walked us through what the carriers do before their routes each morning.

Served hot 'n fresh every morning!

I used to call Sharon up to holler at her about the Hollywood Post Office (Big Red Gayle in particular) because it would often take tens of thousands of hours for me to get anything done while there. I would walk in holding a slip that told me I have a package waiting for me at the Post Office, and Gayle would take the slip and go into the back room. Sometimes for up to a half-hour at a time. More often than not, she would return empty handed. So Sharon showed us where these packages live and, it turns out, Gayle was just kind of an idiot. (Sharon simply confirmed my theories.)

Psycho Sharon: Postmaster of her domain

Sharon then took us through a teeny, tiny secret trap door to show us what happens underneath the Post Office:

Post Office Jail

As always with the Post Office, safety is a priority. So Keith and I had to promise to do our best to maintain a safe work environment for the Community of Postal Workers, both in and out of the Post Office.

Keith Burke: Alert Citizen!

Of course, sometimes I have problems following directions. . .

I have problems.

Sharon soon escorted us out of the building and drove us a few blocks away to the Mail Sorting Facility! The tour then turned into a Sesame Street-esque guide through the inner workings of the Post Office. Huge piles of mail are sorted through in mere seconds. Sharon even pointed out a little pile of debris, saying that this is where our letters go when the machines eat them! We learned all about optical readers (which can pick out what the zip code is on your hand written envelope.) Apparently, they have a 95% accuracy rating these days! Most of the actual sorting is done overnight, but Sharon's friend Bob was kind enough to pile about a thousand pieces of mail onto a machine that sorted them all in about two minutes. (Actually, the machine stopped working halfway through--but we got the idea.)

We then saw all the sorted letters go into bundles and get placed on a conveyor belt, where little rods knock them into giant carts according to which zip code they're going to.

All this was cool...but neither Mr. McFeely nor Cliff Clavin were there.

Oh well. After the tour of the plant, Keith and I had to haul ass out of town to have lunch with the Ruanes...so, despite our behavior, Sharon sent us on our way with some Post Office Prizes!

We got pens, luggage tags and a neat-o Safety Kit, because clearly, we need one:

The Postmaster says: Stamp out danger!

Soon, we were on the road, heading towards Casa Ruane for lunch. When we arrived, the Ruanes were entirely too kind to us. MamaRu had lunch totally prepared for us, and PapaRu had the Dress-A-Goose at the ready that Jon bought for them a few years ago.

Awww, the Ru's!

Goose Ruane

PapaRu with new best friends ChickenJoy and Dress-a-Goose!

PapaRu took Keith and I into downtown Dover, for a possible audience with the Mayor.


Unfortunately, the Dover Mayor was out of the office for the day. But that didn't stop us from having fun around town! We went to the racetrack and casino, where PapaRu nearly got arrested for snapping a photo of Keith and I playing Blackjack.

Right before security swarmed around us.

Afterwards, it was time to head out of Dover, DE and into Bookieville, USA! On our way to Cherry Hill, ChickenJoy went exploring inside of the HHR, and found the giant hole in the roof where the dome light was supposed to be.

Tragedy Strikes!

When the accident occurred, Keith and I scrambled like chickens with our... umm...well, we tried to hurry to rectify the situation. Luckily, we used Psycho Sharon's Post Office Safety Kit and rescued Chickenjoy!

We're expecting Chickenjoy to make a full recovery.

By this time, Keith and I were clearly delirious--suffering from lack of sleep and lack of a real car. So by the time we got to the Bookbinder Household, we were pretty much fried. Adam's mother made a delicious dinner and Keith and I ate our faces off. Mr. Bookie introduced us to the joys of Grappa Julia.

It was described to us as a Grape-brandy. Adam tasted it and his head nearly popped off. So, of course, I had to try it. Upon hitting my tongue, the taste was remarkably similar to that of Robitussin (DM!) And so, for a brief moment, I enjoyed it. Then, I swallowed.

Artist's rendering of me, Post Grappa.

It literally turned into acid after leaving my tongue. My mind blanked out for a while, and the only other thing I remember of the night is Mr. Bookie telling us about a road trip he took with his buddy once, which involved the car they were driving sinking on the beach as the tide came in. After drudging the car from the water, they had to run with it to make it go fast enough for the engine to turn--a'la Little Miss Sunshine.

Keith and I briefly considered going to Wildwood and leaving the HHR on the beach (only we wouldn't drudge ours out.) We decided against it, however, since neither of us could keep our eyes open.

But the Bookbinders couldn't have been more gracious and we had a blast--even if we were incoherent most of the time.

Bookies!

Today: Keith meets my family. And, by extension, so do you. I don't think I'm ready for this. Neither are you. Trust me.

Ruanes, Bookies and a Sharon, Oh my!

Everyone knows that to start off the day right, you need to eat a good healthy breakfast. So of course we ignore that notion completely and went for a final grease and crazy filled breakfast with Mollyjoy at a charming little place called "Plum Crazy Diner". And boy did it live up to the name.

At the counter was an interesting fellow, and by interesting, I mean crazy. He was decked out in his best pair of denim overalls, and a pair of black rubber boots, and for some reason, he had plastic bags tucked into both of his boots. I think it was to catch the crazy dripping off of him.

Then came the 743 year old couple behind us. They were bickering back and forth, not making a lick of sense. But the best part was when we got up to leave and I noticed that he had a name tag on. I thought, aww, that's cute, until I looked closer at what was written on it. Apparently, he was a randy ol bugger, since his nametag simply said "whore". It was great hanging out with the littlest Ruane, and we were sad to see her go, but it was time to head to 75 other states in 6 hours time.

Oh, and did I mention that our waitresses name was "Pickles"? Uhh, yeah, nuff said!

It Does Exactly What it Says on the Tin

After leaving Mollyjoy, we headed in some direction, at this point I have no idea which way is up, I mean lets be honest, I'm not the best with directions anyway, and after 1500 miles in 3 days, on about 10 hours sleep, it aint gettin any better.

Eventually we hit Maryland, where we met up with Pyscho Sharon, aka PostMistress Sharon! She gave us an amazing tour of the Post Office and the Sorting Plant. It was highly informative. Sharon was amazing, and in the 2 hours we were there, I think Sharon broke the Guiness Book of Worlds Records for number of words spoken in such a short period of time! Sharon is one of those people you just wanna hug, she is a total sweetheart, and it was great seeing her again...

See Sharon hugs are the best!

After leaving Maryland, we headed in some other direction to Dover Deleware to meet up with Mama and Papa Ru!

Jon and Rachel were very anxious about us going to their childhood home and hanging with their parents, without their supervision, you know, to prevent the parents Ru from divulging any embarrasing childhood stories or photos.

Once we got their Mama Ru brought out a great spread for lunch, homemade chicken salad, fresh fruit salad, it was VERY fancy and delicious! After lunching, Mama Ru had to run off to teach a class, we were sad to see her go, but it was great to see her, be it ever so briefly

Mama Ru Joy!

Even the ducks are friendly in Dover

Papa Ru Joy too!

After Mama Ru left, Papa Ru decided to take us around town, since he is on the city council, we got the fancy shmacny VIP tour, hi, it was very exciting!

We the People...or somethin

First we went off to City Hall, and like I said, Papa Ru is mighty important, so we got to go into the city council chambers, where they hold all of those super secret private meetings where they decide the fate of the free world, I felt drunk with power, and poor Jeff suffered for it.

You Can't Handle the Truth!

After I was done with gavel joy, Papa Ru took us to the less historic part of town. We hopped in the Ru mobile and headed to the Dover Downs Casino and Race Track. Hi, it was very exciting, we watched a horse chariot race kind of thing. The one I picked didn't win, but I didn't bet so I didnt care all that much, I might have cried inside a little.

Horsey Fun!

After the race we walked through the Casino a bit, and Jeff and I came across this really crazy virtual blackjack thingie. The Computer dealer woman was kinda creepy, she just sort of stared at us, in that Stepford kind of way, but it worked, Jeff and I bet $5 each! Jeff and I lost $5 each! Bah!

You bitch!

After losing our life savings at the Dover Downs, it was time to bid farewell to Papa Ru. We had an amazing time, thank you Papa Ru for your warmth and hospitality. I love all your children and I feel blessed to have them in my life. Can't wait to see you again. Have fun in the Amazon, oh and Papa Ru, watch out for that burrowing fishie you told us about! OW!!!!

Farewell Casa Ru!

I know, I know, longest entry ever, but we were VERY busy today. After we left Ru-ville, we headed off towards Cherry Hill, New Jersey, hi, it's time to meet up with Adam and Mama and Papa Bookie. After driving on 812 different roads, and after Jeff got us lost for 15 minutes (in his hometown, idiot!) we finally arrived in Bookietown USA!

It was great to see Adam and finally meet the folks, hi, they were super cute, and soooo nice! Adam kept laughing the whole time because he couldnt believe that Jeff and I were at his parents house. It was kinda weird, but Adam is crazy, so I blame him.

Mama Bookie made an amazing dinner, a roast with something called Kasha, I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it was delicious! I ate until I couldnt eat anymore. We all sat at the table telling stories and laughing. Jeff and I nearly died when Papa Bookie let us taste something called "Julia Grappa" hi it tasted like Super Alcoholic Robotussin, my insides might still be burning from it!

After a little digesting, it was time for dessert, Mama Bookie baked a homemade apple pie for us, I ate what I could, but I think most of it is still in my throat because there is no room in my stomach!

Yum, Good times with the Bookies!

Thanks again Mama and Papa Bookie, you have a lovely home and thank you so much for welcoming me into your home and cooking a wonderful meal. Can't wait to see you this summer in LA!

Whew, its now about 1:30 in the morning, we are now at Casa Nucera in Philly yo! I haven't met Ralph and Tina yet, hi, they are sleeping, but I'm very excited to meet them tomorrow. Now I'm off to bed in Jeff's childhood room, which might now be a Raggedy Ann room, ooooofcourseitis! Seeya, more tomorrow!!!

Day Four: Westminster, MD - Philly Yo!

1531.1 - Ahh, Psycho Sharon here we come!

1533 - The sky is crying and so are we because we are back in the stupid HHR (High Hysteria Roadster)

1540 - Ah! No windshield washer fluid, driving blind from bug guts. Jeff stops to clean windsheild

1543.5 - Jeff kills CryPod

1543.8 - CryPod resurrected. Happy Easter!

1548.5 - Sky stops crying...we continue :(

1550 - Knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe! HOT!

1554 - Jeff runs over plastic bag, HHR (Hazardous Highway Recyclebin) brings it along for the trip.

1572 - Keith sees signs for "Scenic Potomac River". Jeff yells "There's no time, we're makin memories.

1586.7 - Swerving Truck Death! AHHHH!!!

1596 - Jeff lies horribly claiming the HHR is a smooth and comfy ride, BAH!

1601.2 - HOT!

1606.6 - Ah!!! Road splits! (on a side note, Keith's pants split two states ago)

1624.2 - Weoo Weoo Weoo, Easton, Weoo, Pyscho Sharon, weo

1629.9 - Leaving postal goodness, off to Ru-ville!

1641.4 - Where's Adam?

1644 - "We're on a road to nowhere"

1635.1 - Jeff invents new game, Horse Poker!

1635.2 - Jeff sucks at Horse Poker

1658 - Woohoo, Deleaware!! We think...hi, there's no signs

1659 - Nothing here! Sorry Morgan

1670.1 - Ru-Ville USA!!!

1673 - Leavin Ru-ville :( Off to Philly Yo!

1699 - Plans change, look out Bookies, here we come

1736.5 - Hi Liar!

1746.5 - Philly yo!

1755.3 - Jeff gets lost in his hometown...ofcoursehedoes

1757.3 - Jeff gets us lost in someplace called fishtown, hi, it smells like chicken

1757.8 - Leaving Philly for Beer City

1758.4 - Getaway to liquor ville is short lived. Back in Philly, still lost, everyone is honking at us, even the guy on the bike with a baby seat on it, with no baby.

1759.9 - Jeff finally finds the right bridge, Keith doesn't care. Look out New Jersey, we think we're comin.

1760.2 - Keith asks "is there a toll going to New Jersey?" Jeff replies "no, because you get what you pay for" BOAM!

1766 - Bookie town!!!

1766.6 - Gas! And hi, someone else is pumping it, it's VERY fancy here in Cherry Hill, New Jersey

1766.7 - Check Oil light comes on...good luck with that National Rent-a-wreck.

1773.4 - Casa Bookbinder, look how fun!

The Amazing Race : Bookie Edition

I am very excited about joining Worst.Roadtrip.Ever! Making it back east, everything was a disaster...ofcourseitwas.

I decided to use airlines miles to book this flight on US Airways, which means I had to have a layover rather than a direct flight to Philly. I HATE taking flights where you have to stop and get on another plane, this is trip proved it once again!

I was booked to take the 9pm flight from LAX to Vegas. Yay Vegas airport=slot machines! I can play when I get there! Umno. So here's the thing...due to the horrible winds in LA, my flight which was supposed to leave at 9pm, ended up leaving LAX at around 9:40pm. So of course my first thought was how I was going to end up having no time between the time I landed in Vegas and my flight to Philly, leaving at 10:47pm. They announced the flight would only be 50 minutes and everyone should make their connecting flights since Vegas knew LAX was having delays. Oh good, I was feeling better now.

We touched down in Vegas around 9:25 and I was ready to go right to the gate where my flight to Philly was. We taxied to the terminal for like 100 years and then once we got there, they announced there was a problem with the jetway, so please sit tight. Sit tight?! Hi, I have a flight to catch leaving now in 10 minutes. But wait, they said everything should be ok with connecting flights. They FINALLY got the jetway to the plane and I got off the plane. Turns out we were at terminal B and my Philly flight was in terminal A. Ofcourseitwas. So I literally sprinted to the gate, which was like a thousand miles away on the other side of the airport.

I got to the gate at 10:50pm. They said....sorry, we closed the door to the plane 5 minutes ago. WHAT?! Are you SERIOUS right now?! There were 2 other people yelling too from another flight which got in late. So the gate attendant told us we could try the other US Airways flight (operated by America West) to Philly which was about to close and said they would call over to let them know.



So I sprinted over there and as soon as I got over, one of the gate attendants said to another that the other US Airways flight was sending 3 others to that flight. When the other attendant said "NO, WE HAVE TO CLOSE NOW." So I yelled "NO!! We're here!!" So I got on the plane all sweaty (HOT!) and sat down and said to the woman next to me "this is going to Philly, right?!" She laughed. Everything was ok now! Oh wait, my bag I checked! What's going to happen to it?! So now I was all worried about my bag...ofcourseIwas.

I was sweaty and a complete wreck after taking off still, so I order some wine to calm down, which helped. The flight attendant told me my bag may be on this flight or if not, then the next flight in the morning if it missed both of the ones which left already. Since I all worried about my bag, I couldn't sleep on the plane, which I usually have no problem doing. Plus, it was like 100 degrees on the plane and I ended up having to ride "bitch" on the flight.

I finally got to Philly about 10 minutes later than the original flight I was supposed to be on. Both flight baggage claims were next to each other and I had no idea where my bag would be or if it would be there. Finally my mom said, "Isn't that your bag?" ... Well, turns out my bag made it on my original flight but I didn't.


Worst.Roadtrip.Ever...so far living up to it's name and I haven't even seen Jeff and Keith yet! hah But now I'm in NJ and awaiting their arrival for dinner tonight at my parents'. It's going to be supercrazy!

Danger! Danger! Delaware has been invaded by Idiots!

I just got the following picture text from Jeff (he and Keith are being entertained by Mother and Father Ru in the booming metropolis that is Dover, Delaware):



That picture frame/battery-operated fountain/shrine was a GAG gift to my mother, Mister Nucera!

DON'T JUDGE ME!

I might be a little sweaty thinking about all of the things in the original House of Ruanes that could be "misinterpreted."

Luckily, I took that yellow brick road (and ruby slippers) off my old bedroom wall ages ago, because that might have been the end of everything...

Day Three: Charlotte, NC - Westminster, MD

Mile 1064 -- Leaving Sheri's place & following her. Jeff and Keith decide that the HHR smells. Some sort of Heinous, Horrible Rot.

Mile 1065.7 -- B'bye, Sheri! We'll miss you! Thanks for everything!!

Mile 1067.3 -- Idiot in a tan car nearly kills us. Hi, they hate our kind here in the south! Keith is now stuck in the slow lane behind a boat.

Mile 1097 -- Jeff & Keith wonder if there are mountains on the way. They worry because HHR definitely is NOT a High, Hilly Roadster.

Mile 1107 -- Keith sees a sign for "Third Creek" and wonders where the first two went. And also where this one is, as there is no sign of water anywhere. Jeff wonders how to make a Dawson's Creek joke without getting sent to Comedy Jail. He decides to keep quiet.

Mile 1136 -- Hi, it's one freakin' lane. Jeff and Keith exclaim, "Bah!" a lot.

Mile 1165 -- Hi, Virginia! Weee! Radar dectors are illegal here, as it turns out. Keith points out that we barely have a steering wheel, so we needn't worry.

For lovers!

Mile 1167 -- "Area subject to crosswinds." Hi, we're effed. And also, Hi, there's the mountains.

AHHH! We don't take high roads here!

Mile 1173 -- Where can we get some Fancy Clothes. . .?


Mile 1174 -- Jeff and Keith begin to play Cow Poker. Bah!

Mile 1190 -- Virginia's Technology Corridor. Keith points out that it looks like the old farm house from The Ring.

Mile 1192 -- Keith pulls ahead at Cow Poker. Jeff hates Cow Poker, and damns Kara and LucasLucas for telling us about it.

Mile 1195 -- Jeff remembers that Kara makes up her own rules to Cow Poker and follows suit. Winning ensues.

Mile 1197 -- The Misprintz come on the ipod! weee!

Mile 1204 -- A small bug on the window of the HHR becomes a smeared mess when Jeff rolls down Keith's window to kill it. "Ewww"ing ensues.

Mile 1212 -- Jeff looks at AAA books.

Mile 1212.2 -- Jeff rapidly loses interest.

Mile 1234 -- WEEOO! 1234!

Mile 1248 -- We enter a Highway Safety Corridor. Safety ensues.

Mile 1252 -- Salem, VA. hi, witches didn't burn here.

Mile 1254 -- Salem's a rather fickle city: First she welcomes us and now this:

Getmeout

Mile 1256 -- Giant tire debris is all over freeway. Giant tractor trailer winds up in Rumble Strips Does the sanctity of the Safety Corridor mean nothing to people anymore?

Mile 1257.3 -- Safety Corridor ends. Murdering ensues.

Mile 1262 -- In Roanoke for food! And to wazz!

Mile 1262.9 -- Lost in Roanoke. Lured in by a sign that promised an eatery called "Hollywood's Cafe"

Mile 1263.4 -- We found 1987. But not Hollywood's Cafe.

The cast of That 80's Show is still at large.

Mile 1266 -- Abandoning Roanoke, and the search for Hollywood's Cafe. Jeff and Keith pine for "The bit that got away."

Mile 1268 -- Keith declares that Jeff is the worst co-pilot ever. Jeff insists it is because he has urine in his eyes. And possibly sepsis.

Mile 1270 -- Shoneys!

Mile 1274 -- Driver's side vent falls off in the HHR. Ofcourseitdoes.

Mile 1296 -- HHR continues to get pelted with bugs on the freeway, runs out of wiper fluid.

Mile 1309 -- 127 More Exits to go. Keith's head would explode, but there is no wiper fluid to wash it out. Jeff realizes why Jon's supposed to plan these road trips.

Mile 1329 -- Keith puts Jeff into comedy solitary. Jeff's too tired to remember why, but knows he probably deserved it.

Mile 1341 -- Keith pulls off the freeway to get some Dunkin Donuts coffee.

Mile 1341.6 -- Hey! This is where they make the alphabet!


Mile 1395.4 -- Keith notices we're only 40 exits away now.

Mile 1397 -- Jeff accidentally steals Keith's coffee. "It sure was good," Jeff reports.

Mile 1402.8 -- Jeff and Keith need to know exactly how water towers work.

Mile 1408, 4 -- Woodstock, VA. "Go home, Hippies!"

Mile 1427 -- It rains on us. And only us.

Mile 1452 -- Welcome to West Virginia: Now in the running to be America's next Chainsaw Massacre!

Mile 1468 -- Keith and Jeff are terrified of West Virginia. Seriously.

Mile 1469 -- Welcome to MD!

Mile 1471 -- Keith: "This is like Stand By Me."
Jeff: "YOU'RE like Stand By Me!"
Keith: "I'd like to stand by you. Out of this car."

Mile 1474 -- The Blair Witch Road.

Mile 1482 -- After eight miles of bits, we're done with the Blair Witch.

Mile 1530 -- Hi, best western with Mollyjoy! Wee!

Return of the Blair Witch

On Monday, Keith and I were in Florida, Georgia and two (2) Carolinas. Yesterday, we left North Carolina, went through Virginia (ALL. DAY. LONG.) and hit West Virginia briefly before heading into Maryland.

It was our toughest drive, for sure. After leaving the plush abode of Sheri the Former Script Sovereign (who now is Super Sheri, because she's just launched a web site for students to check out college campuses: www.ViewU.com), Keith and I climbed into her car for a brief tour of Charlotte, including the corner of Bookie & Ruane!

Ofcoursetheyare.

After breakfast, Keith and I climbed into the dreaded Chevy HHR, which is starting to smell how it looks.

Please don't let me leave!

After making decent time through Virginia, (Note: It may be for lovers, but it sucks for drivers) Keith noted that we were passing through Burkittsville, MD. (He shouted, "AHH!! That's where the Blair Witch is!!!" Since it's against policy for me to show up early (or on time) anywhere for anything, I said, "We're making good time, let's stop off!" Keith resisted, but he's a sport (fool) and we took the four mile detour into the Blair Witch's lair.

Hi, look how pretty!

As we drove into the tiny town, we couldn't help but notice how nice and friendly it looked. Cute houses, manicured lawns. We even pulled up behind a car with a rainbow sticker on it. "Awww," we thought, "The gays like it here. And we're a bunch of wusses! I'm sure it's verynice!" But then, the deeper we got into town, the more terrified we became:

AHH! DANGER!

This tree marks the end of pretty Burkittsville...

...and the beginning of the grip that the Blair Witch holds on the town!

AHHHHH!!

I'm so scared!

We stayed for only a few minutes, but the effects will last a lifetime.

Luckily, we met up with MollyJoy and she helped us drink the memories away!

And now, it's time to have some breakfast, in order to eat the memories away.

Or something.

okbye

The Real Loving Molly!

Yesterday was a really LONG LONG day! We woke up in Charlotte after drinking our faces off. I think I blinked and it was time to wake up, UGH! After showering in Sheri's amazing shower...

Oooooh, Ahhhhhh

We headed off to grab a bite at a delicious bite to eat and a lovely little diner, which for the life of me, I can't remember what it was called. Sheri took us around Charlotte, hi, it's a beautiful city, I wanted all the houses, get in the car. After the scenery, it was time to say bye to Sheri. Thanks again Sheri for all the southern hospitality, I had an amazing time!

Thanks Sheri!!

With that we hopped into the HHR (Holy Hell Roadster) and headed north. We passed on into Virginia, hi, it was beautiful. Next, we went through West Virginia, hi, I hated it there, it was like Deliverance. At this point we had been in the car for about 77 1/2 hours. I might have started losing my mind, I blame the HHR, stupid car!

So we finally got off the freeway onto the country roads that led to Mollyjoy. Hi, they were kinda scary too, it was like one tiny little town after the next, they might have scared me. I'm sure they are lovely, but I've seen waaaay too many horror movies that start off with stupid young people getting lost on country roads. We drove on these little roads for another 72 hours. Hi, I was all yelly in the car "I hope Molly doesn't live in Mayberry". I was very nervous, when out of the blue I saw this...

Civilizationjoy

I don't think I had ever been so excited to see WalMart! After checking into our hotel, Molljooy came and picked us up, because one more second in the stupid HHR (Hell Hound Racer) would have killed Jeff and I. We went out to a sports bar kinda place for dinner, because when you think of Jeff and I you think sports...hi liar

Aww, Molly!

Look how cute!

After dinner we headed off to a bar into beautiful downtown Westminster. After that it gets kinda fuzzy, guess its time for another photo recap!!

Almost boozin time

Aaaand so it begins

Last sober moment...

Drunk rock climbing!

Hi, that aint V8

Frontinjoy

This party brought to you by Bacardi

Insert Comment here

Snacktime!

Now, its morning, I hate it! I think I blinked again and it was stupid morning. Jeff hopped in the shower, and the stupid alarm starting going off about every 14 1/2 seconds. I hate Maryland, hehehe.

Made in South Carolina

Now, its time for a goodbye breakfast with MollyJoy. See ya for now!

BookieLog : Tamarind Terrace to LAX

"HERE'S THE THING..." : It turns out that Bookie's handwriting is surprisingly similar to Father Ru's handwriting...and so, this "log" is just my guestimation of what he wrote down. So don't get mad at me for being inaccurate, GURL!

ONE OTHER "THING" : 'Gurl' is something Bookie and Jon call each other...as term of "endearment" and an homage to "Noah's Arc." Yes. They ARE men boys. Yes. They're that gay and outrageous. But only...uh...most of the time. They also hate SUPER gay and outrageous homos that call each other "girl" all of the time...so in essence, they are doing it to "take back" the use of that word from those awful homos you see on LOGO Bravo everywhere. Or something.

DON'T JUDGE US!

* * *

Mile 0.0 - BookieJoy begins, as Jon picks Bookie up from Tamarind Terrace in his VERY fancy Prius.

Mile 0.001 - Gurl can't figure out how to reset his trip odometer in his veryFancy Prius. OfCourseHeDoesn't.

Mile 0.0011 - Jon figures out the trip odometer.

Mile 0.01 - Gurl plays the HORRIBLE milk crisis song from "Sesame Street."



Bookie starts to cry and attempts to jump out of the moving Prius.

Milk Mile 0.6 - Bookie wonders why the "Milk Crisis" is still on. He also wonders why they are screaming "Adam" in the middle of the "Milk Crisis" song.

Mile 0.61 - Bookie realizes that no one in the "Milk Crisis" song is screaming "Adam." It's his pants.

Mile 0.62 - Bookie discovers that his phone has accidentally called Keith.



Hi...Keith! Hi...Jeff! Hi...MollyJoy!

Mile 1.7 - Bookie is VERY busy with a jogger. OfCourseHeIs.

Mile 2.4 - Bookie wishes he had his supermarket circulars.

Why?

So he can read them on the plane.

Really?

REALLY?

Someone is a blazin' hot mess. And it's not Jon.

Mile 3.5 - Gurl puts on another crazy song. This one involves a rabbi and and an old schul.



It's veryFun.

Mile 6.1 - Bookie declares the he enjoys the word, "Onesie." Jon wishes Bookie was on a plane already.

Mile 6.6 - Gurl decides to put his headlights on...

...but he doesn't put his records on.

Mile 7.6 - Bookie jizzes his pants when we drive by a CVS.

Calm down GURL!

Jon gets very upset that Bookie is going to ruin his pristine Prius.

Mile 9.1 - Jon and Bookie are lost in Inglewood.

OfCourseTheyAre.

HOT!

Where's Shannon?

Mile 10.0 - Jon and Bookie find their way. Still no Shannon.

Mile 10.8 - Lost again. Of Course.

Mile 10.9 - And we're OK. Kinda.

Mile 11.2 - Another CVS!

And so...Jon's Pristine Prius now has Jizzy-Eye.

Mile 12.3 - Bookie back seat drives and Gurl gets all flustered.

Mile 13.5 - Bookie declares that he likes to watch airplanes land.

Jon thinks that Bookie likes this, because airplanes are just giant flying phalluses.

So...

OfCourseHeDoes.

Mile 14.2 - Bookie smells jet fuel and gets excited. Jon contemplates pushing Bookie out of the car.

Mile 14.5 - Bookie arrives at LAX.



Seeya!

Mile 14.50001 - Jon is left all alone in LA. He wonders how he can stop the boys from having too much fun without him...



Call Bookie and tell him that CVS is having a fire sale?

Call Jeff and tell him that the Mentos corporation is having a fire sale?

Call Keith and tell him that Vicki Lawrence and the cast of her "TWO woman show" is having a fire sale?



Nevermind.

Dangerous Liaisons

After leaving Tallahassee, Keith and I drove into Georgia. As soon as we crossed the border, we decided to stop at a Waffle House for some grub. Once we got off the highway, we noticed something even more alluring than the Waffle House:

Horrifically Hungry Roamers

Big Mama's Kitchen, with its pink paint job and its All You Can Eat Buffet signage looked far too good to pass up. Keith and I entered and were treated to real southern soul food. About a hundred servings of it.

Keith Eats Soul (but he's not a solider!)

While in there, we fell in love with another waitress--Geraldine, who insisted we all try out her very own Banana Pudding. (It was delicious.) The real highlight of the afternoon was when I whipped out my computer to show Keith something. The patrons and employees alike began freaking out, gasping in awe and saying things like, "That's one of those Laptop things! I wanna get me one of them so bad!" And, "That must have cost, what? A hundred bucks?"

It was amazing and embarrassing all at once.

We made a hasty exit (well...hasty is a strong word, considering we had just eaten over forty pounds of food) and trekked all the way through Georgia and into South Carolina to visit my friend John that I knew from my time working in Wildwood, NJ.

I haven't seen John in a little over a year, and before that, it had been eight or nine years. After getting a bit lost (due to the fact that we didn't actually get the GPS at Walmart last night. Guess Matt was right, after all!) we finally pulled up to John's house, who invited us to go ahead and park on the lawn.

HHR: It's not just for streets anymore.

You see, John's getting ready to move out of the house with his wife, and so--it's pretty much a free-for-all there. For example--as you walk in, the dark panelling of the walls, coupled with the closed blinds make for a nearly pitch black living room. That is, until you screw in the light bulb on the ceiling fan that hangs above the coffee table.

As John showed me to the rest room, we saw the bathroom door:

Here's a close-up of the sheet that seperates you from the rest of the house as you shower, shave or urinate:


It was great to see John again and catch up on all the randomness that we used to do, and on the terrifying people we used to know back in Cape May, NJ.

Jeff and John pose with the man who invented the HHR

We also went to dinner with his roommate Brian , who regaled us with stories about blowing up a bottle of Tabasco sauce using some gun powder that John had in the house. Shrapnel was everywhere--including Brian's body. And he's got the scars to prove it.

Brian and his heart of glass.

Those guys were fun as hell to visit, but Miss Sheri had some plans for us in Charlotte, NC, so after dinner, we drove through the rest of South Carolina and finally got here to Charlotte to meet up with Sheri and her dog Richie:

Keith & Jeff after four states in eight hours and a Very Refreshing Sheri!

Sheri was kind enough to take Keith and I to Liaisons immediately after we arrived. We met up with her friends Kara and Lucas (NOT KEITH!) As Keith mentioned, those two were insane and hilarious, all at once. They had us laughing nonstop with their shtick. Or it might have been the booze that Lucas kept buying us. (Both LucasKeith and LucasLucas.) Either way, I'll remember this night fondly...if I remember it at all.

Thanks to Sheri and her dog Richie for letting Keith and I crash here tonight. Starting riiiiiiight NOW!

Richie Says "Goodnight... and if you asses try to dress me up, you'll be dead by morning!"

Day 2: Tallahassee, FL to Charlotte, NC

498 - Leaving Burkeshire Jr.

505 - Baum!

514 - Keith starts getting anxiety about the spiral notebook

520 - 100mph is the new 80!

526 - Worst Road Trip Ever almost de-railed as Jeff and Keith both go to Comedy Jail for

labeling Alaska gays as EskiMOES

548 - Freak wind nearly blows the HHR (Mary Poppins Mobile) into the trees

556 - Jeff and Keith break all teeth courtesy of frozen Mentos...the Teethbreaker.

568 - Linda's Yard Art!

607 -Keith pretends he is not in comedy jail...he is wrong!

621 - "Slaw down and buckle up" Really?!

651 - No Pushing!

666 - Ah! Satan! Ah! (Jeff shares a cell in comedy jail with Satan, that's a shame)

691 - Gas is cheap around here...

697 - Jeff finds trip odometer button....it's too late.

700 - Jeff is a genius!

700.2 - Jeff is back to being an idiot!

725.5 - Oversized Load! (That's us right now)

728.4 - Jeff and Keith ponder the age old question, who are Tippycanoe and Tyler, two?

747.6 - Easyrods...HOT!

776.3 - Keith becomes illiterate

817.9 - SNL - delivering comedy to you every week!

835.6 - Hobo Joe's!

867.7 - Viva La Bam-berg (thats a shame for Jeff)

948.5 - We're lost again! Fuckin Mapquest!

1012 - South Carolina is the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Ah!!!

1026.5 - Jeff kills Mothra

1037 - Jeff almost drowns...a thing happened!

1061 - Weoooo! Charlotte!! Weooo!

You Can Use the Brain Today!

So, we woke up this morning, raring to go, or as close to it, as Jeff and I could muster. AJ and Hailey were waiting to meet us with open arms, well at least for me anyway, they both sort of looked at Jeff like he was from Mars.

Uhhh...

After giving the kids some presents, as any good uncle should, the kids finally came around. We enjoyed a lovely cheesy filled breakfast courtesy of my sister Danielle. It was great to see my brother and the rest of the fam, so it was sad to say, but we bid a fond farewell to my brother.

Before we could leave, Matt lovingly yelled at Jeff and I some more for not knowing where the hell we were going, and for just generally not having much of a clue. He was still hoping that we would agree to go get that GPS mapping system thing. Danielle jumped in to defend us, or something, she really is my sister from another life.

After some more directionally challenged mockery, Matt said to Danielle "of course you are on his side, you two share the same brain!". And out of the kindness of her heart Danielle said "that's fine, he can use it today, I will just drool during the kids' parent teacher conference today". Aww, isn't she sweet!

Burkejoy

So we finally got our tired lazy asses into the car heading off into the great blue yonder, in the general direction of South Carolina, I think. Thanks again bro, for the hospitality! As we pulled out of the driveway, we couldn't help but comment on my brother's lovely lawn, and lo and behold, he won an award for it!

Ooooh, Fancy!

After driving for a hundred years, we arrived in Columbia, South Carolina, where we had dinner with Jeff's friend John. After an early dinner, we hopped back in the shit ass mobile, and headed up to Charlotte, North Carolina, to meet up with Jeff's friend Sheri, who was amazing. We went off to a bar called "Liason", which looked like a hot pink plantation house, I'm not making this up...

See I told you!

We had an amazing time at the bar. Sheri's friends all came out to meet us at the bar. In particular, Lucas and Kara were absolutely hilarous. They pretty much act like they are brother and sister and it was absolute comedy to watch them bicker about why they didn't audition for "the Amazing Race". Kara is also getting ready to join the Ladies Junior League. She is very fancy and fantastic, with her pearls. She is pretty much a sitcom with a pulse, and I mean that in the best possible way. I think we all drank about 75 drinks each, before heading off to Waffle House for some late night, and much needed greasy goodness, here is a photo recap!

Jeff and Sherijoy

The Last sober moment

KrazyKarajoy

Aww, Vodkajoy

What do you think about the crisis in the Middle East?

That's a shame!

Best night ever!

Ugh, I am so ready for bed, and it is 300 o'clock in the morning. Charlotte has been a blast, Sheri has been amazing, letting us crash at her beautiful house. And that's all for now folks, I'm gonna pass out now, before I pass out. See ya!

OfCourseHeDidItAgain.

Remember last year when DJ Adam "Gurl" Bookbinder did a shout out to Carjoy LIVE on the AIR?

Well, here's the thing...

He's done it again.

"Worst. Voice Break. Ever." - by Adam Bookbinder

ADDED BONUS:

Hear what happens when DJ Bookbinder meets Gnarls Barkley...

"CrazyBookie" - Adam Bookbinder vs. Gnarls Barkley
The link is WORKING NOW!

And then listen to him "mash up" against Mister Justin Timberlake...

"SexyBookie" - Adam Bookbinder vs. Justin Timberlake
And this one is WORKING too!

Hot!

H. H. ARGH!

Finally! The road trip begins!

Keith and I piled the mascots into the ridiculous little Chevy HHR (High Hazard Roadster?) and headed off to Tallahassee.

ChickenJoy and the CryPod!

Soon, we began seeing billboards for Yeehaw Junction.

Seriously, y'all.

Dozens of them. Probably more than a hundred, actually. They were all different, but they were all beckoning us to Yeehaw.

As soon as we got off the exit, the party began with a flashy billboard!

Rockets! Dolphins! Sun! Fun!

It was so promising! Look how much fun that welcoming billboard is! I was so psyched for some local Florida fun! Sadly, as soon as we drove past the billboard, it was no longer welcoming. In fact, it was a town straight out of the X-Files. And not one of the alien episodes either, where everyone is normal. No. This was a full on Monster X File Town, where the psycho locals eat the visitors and burn their cars to make more elaborate devices to trap more visitors. It's a viscious cycle.

And now, please allow me to present:

Yeehaw Junction--A Photo Essay:

Local Pile of Trees!

Restaraunt!

Other Restaurant!

Boiled P-Nuts!

We were terrified. We immediately sped out of this town and happily had lunch at a Burger King in Turkey Lake, FL. Burp.

Once we got back into the Chevy HHR (Honking Horn Ridiculousness) we made our way to Tallahassee to hang out with Keith's Brother Matt and his family. Matt took us to dinner and the Brothers Burke bickered a bit about how we're going to get lost going to South & North Carolina tomorrow. Matt quickly became the trip's Techincal Advisor and decided to get us a GPS system to help us on our way. This, of course, entailed a trip to the Super WalMart.

Keith parked the car and tried to turn the Chevy HHR off. Of course, he couldn't actually get the key out of the ignition.

Inside the HHR--Horribly Heinous Roadster.

He tried and tried--turning the car on, then back off a few times--but the damned key wouldn't turn all the way back and let him remove it. Soon, our Techincal Advisor stepped in.

One Tiny Key. One Big Problem.

But even his expertise couldn't rescue us from this quandary. I got in the driver's seat myself and, after trying for two seconds, gave up hope and called National.

SadKeithJoy

I told the woman who answered that our key was stuck in the car. She replied, "You've got an HHR?" I said, "Excuse me?" She said, "What kind of car do you have?" I said, "It's a Chevy HHR." She said, "Yes, I know." She then instructed me on how to remove the key. (Essentially, I have to slam the damned thing into Park. And if that doesn't work, there's a little hatch underneath the steering column that, in theory, will help us force the key out.)

Apparently, the HHR actually stands for Ha-Ha, Retarded.

Worst Car Ever!

So this morning we woke up and had one final breakfast with Mom and Dad. Mom made one of her specialties...

Mmm, Hot Diabetes!

After stuffing our faces, we headed down to South Beach to pick up the "car". I say that because it is a car in shape only. Not only is it the gayest car ever, a Chevy HHR (see Jeff's post for what HHR stands for), but it has more problems than Rachel has with Cracker Barrel!

As the overly friendly attendant threw our key and gestured toward the alley, telling us "your car is the silver one around the corner". What could we do with such hospitality, but scurry off around the corner in search of the car. As we came around into the alley, it was filled with at least 30 cars, half of which are silver.

What were we do to, we didn't have an alarm for the car (I'll get to that part later). So we wandered from car to car, trying to match the logo on the key. After looking at every car on one side, with nothing to show for it. I noticed a random looking car, inconspicuously parked across the street.

?????

Sadly, I was right, and that bastard child of a Mini Cooper and a PT Cruiser, was in fact our car. Inside, things weren't much better, from the cigarette burn in the back seat (the last driver must have missed the no smoking sticker plastered on the dashboard), to the missing dome light, with nothing but a hole where it used to be, this lemon, I mean car, was all ours.

Hoping for the best, we bid a fond farewell to Mama and Papa Burke, and headed off into the proverbial sunset.

At least it started off with smiles

After a good few hours in the car, we stopped at a rest stop to waz, and came to realize that it's important for you to actually have the alarm button thingamajig for the car. Apparently, the wonderful people at National Car Rental, sadly, don't agree.

So now, every time that we have to open the car, the alarm goes off! Let me tell you, it's pretty fantastic how everyone in a parking lot looks at you like you are either too dumb to turn the alarm off, or you are a brazen thief trying to steal the car in broad daylight. At least we only have to do this another, I don't know, 45 more times before we send this P.O.S. off to the glue factory.

Finally, we arrived in Tallahassee, and went to grab a bite to eat with my brother Matt. I think Jeff had more fun watching us bicker and mock each other for the whole meal at Chili's. Ahh, the good ol days.

That's all for now, my brother and my sister-in-law, Danielle, are laughing at us "geeks" who are too busy typing up yesterday's memories. Gotta go, I'm makin memories!!

Day One (ish) Miami, FL - Tallahassee, FL

Mile #26766. (AKA Mile 0) We discover the Chevy HHR doesn't have a trip odometer. Jeff has to do math to record the mileage. At least one of the H's now stands for Hatred.

Mile 1 -- Mama & Papa Burke pull up next to the Chevy HHR. MamaBurke shouts, "Don't forget to put your lights on!" Keith: "It's sunny out!"

Awww, the Burkes!

Mile 1.3 -- We drive by Kosher World. Oy.

Mile 1.9 -- Our first Freeway: 195!

Mile 3.0 -- Dead bird on the road! Yuck! Also: The Burkes are tailing us.

Mile 4.5 -- We lose the Burkes! Bye Bye, Burkeys!

Mile 7.8 -- 95 North! We can take you to Philly, yo! But we're not gonna. (yet.)

Mile 9.0 -- Passing the "Boobie Trap Love Stuff" store. Jeff doesn't take a photo, as he is too busy trying to figure out the iPod gizmo that Bookie loaned him. Silence ensues.

Mile 10 -- Radio finally turned on. Solid as a Rock blares, courtesy of Lite and Refreshing FM. Silence once again ensues.

Mile 14 -- Toll! $1.00

Mile 15 -- CryPod finally starts up. IMAP theme ensues. Keith pines for the silence.

Mile 15.5 -- Ahhhhh! We're in Hollywood!!


Mile 21 -- We pass a giant billboard that reads "Hello! My name is HUGH JASS!" Jeff is still too busy with the CryPod to take a photo.

Mile 33 -- Toll: $1.00!

Mile 38 -- Silence once again ensues.

Mile 40 -- Jeff finally figures out the CryPod once and for all.

Mile 67 -- AHHH! Lanes Shift! AHHHH!

Mile 80 -- Poppycock!

Ofcourseheis.

Mile 83 -- Billboard that admonishes: "NEVER, EVER SHAKE A BABY!" Jeff is, once again, too busy to photograph it. Perhaps if Tina had seen that billboard 31 years ago, Jeff could focus.

Mile 89 -- Keith enters comedy jail for wondering if Sesame Street would have been as popular if it was named Poppyseed Street.

Mile 90 -- Jeff has to wazz.

Mile 98 -- We discover the Chevy HHR has a secret compartment. Pooping Chickenjoy takes a nap.



Mile 114 -- Wazz-Break! Port St. Lucie becomes Port St. Lu-pee!

Mile 127 -- A woman vomits off the side of the road. Gross.

Mile 157 -- Sign warns: "Now entering Yeehaw Zone!" AHHH!

Mile 162 -- Exiting for Yeehaw! Toll $8.80. Terror ensues.

Mile 164 -- Leaving Yeehaw. Ack. (See Jeff's post.)

Mile 165 -- Keith announces that food will be consumed at Kissimmee. He decrees: "It's a real place."

Mile 198 -- Keith yawns and realizes, "We've only been driving for three hours?" Jeff: "This is gonna be a long trip."

Mile 208 -- Toll: $4.90!

Mile 214 -- No food in Kissimmee. Good thing there is Poppycock. Chickenjoy still sleeps.

Mile 220 - Keith declares he is drunk with power because the HHR is five inches off the ground. In other news, there's still no food.

Mile 221 -- We enter Orange County. Jeff wonders where the Real Housewives are, dies a little inside.

Mile 235 -- Turkey Lake Rest Stop. Keith points out a small puppy. Jeff looks up just in time to see puppy's owner--a 75 year old woman--hock a lugie.

Mile 249 -- Toll $2.50!

Mile 251 -- Keith angrily renounces his birthplace of Florida, citing its boringness.

Mile 291 -- Someone worse off than the two bozos in the Chevy HHR:

2nd Worst Road Trip Ever.

Mile 301 -- First Gas Break--at the Horse Capital of the World!


Maybe that'll give the Chevy HHR some extra Horse Power. Ehhem. How's it goin. . .?

Mile 317 -- Jeff returns to Comedy Jail for a lame Keith Urban joke. He pleads insanity, brought on by the fact that he is listening to Keith Urban.

Mile 321 -- Keith wonders where he can find a antique. Oh:


Probably here.


What an relief!

Mile 372 -- Holy Hotel!

Apparently, there's room at this inn.

Mile 383 -- Jeff goes insane six hours into road trip.

Mile 387 -- 10West to Tallahassee! We can take you to Santa Monica. We're also not gonna.

Mile 424 -- Entering Madison County. Jeff goes back to jail wondering where the bridges are.

Mile 475 -- Tallahassee! Weoo!

America's Next Pup Model

I know that Keith mentioned yesterday how adorable his grandparents are, but here's the thing:

They're cuter. And maybe drunker. The best part of the day was when Grandpa showed me his fishing photo album, and I said to him and Grandma how great it is that they still have so much fun. Grandma smiled and said, "Yeah...we have a lot of fun!" She then told me that, essentially, they're making memories from here on out. I nearly cried little rum tears, I was so moved. I wish we could take them with us for the Road Trip portion of the road trip, which starts in about an hour!

Not to be outdone, Keith's parents are also trying to murder us with cuteness. On last year's road trip, Jon and I watched as Aunt Susie brushed her dog's teeth. As it turns out, this is a national trend I was not aware of, as MamaBurke does the same with her puppies, Spike & Red.



But that's not all.

You see, after brushing their teeth, the puppies must shower. . .

Bathtime!

The Red Devil

Have their hair done. . .

Weooo! Warm!

. . .and apply their special cologne. . .



. . .and practice their runway walk. . .


. . .all as they get ready to leave the house. . .

PapaBurke showcases a handsome dog carrier.

...and get in the running to be America's Next Top Dog:

The Zoolander Pose

Acting Scottish & Disinterested (How convincing!)


Southern Comfort

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

Puppy Weaves!

The Original Ghetto Messes

Thanks to our special Pup Model Designers:

Purina Turlington

Tyra Barks

Now that we've given the puppies some self-esteem and a sense of purpose, (and agitated everyone in the process) it's time to leave Miami and head off to sweet, sweet Tallahassee!

Thanks MamaBurke & PapaBurke for making me feel at home, and allowing me to harass the family and animals. You guys are the best!

87, no 78 Bottles of Rum on the Wall!

Tonight, Jeff was introduced to my family, and did they ever live up to their reputation. The evening was filled with equal amounts of joy and booze. After hugs, kisses and introductions, approximately 38 seconds after walking in the door, I was sent into the kitchen to play bartender.

My grandfather and my aunts and uncles all needed refills on their rum and cokes. Grandma was another story. She needed a fresh drink because she couldn't remember where she left hers. Needless to say, the day had started off right for everyone.

Aww, look how cute!

Hi, I miss the Rents!

Jeff and I stuffed our faces full of pork and black beans and rice, plus anything else we could shovel into our gullets...

Sayonara Pork Pig

We were also there to celebrate my Mom's and my Grandmother's birthday. The cake had a few candles on it, but after Grandma enjoyed a little too much Reisling, she couldn't remember if she was 78 or 87, so she guessed, hehe.

Happy Birthday to you!

In the end, it was another fun filled evening with the Viera's. Everyone had a great time, and they all loved Jeff, even if he was just a stupid Gringo!

The fam

YOU'RE a Cracker Barrel!

So this morning, we went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. For those of you not in the know, it is a Mecca for all those of the country bumpkin persuasion. We headed out a little late, hoping to miss out on the dirtbag hoedown that would inevitable be waiting (there is a NASCAR race going on just up the road).

While we waited the 100 years for our table, we settled down on the lovely rocking chairs that are lined up out front of the restaurant.

White trash joy!

It's good to have land!

Quickly getting bored, Jeff and I wandered around, finding nothing except this place…

Things not to name your store...

And that was about it. We finally got our table, and sat down to eat. Everything was delicious, and managed to come out relatively how we ordered it, which was surprising because our waiter, Jason, was not playing with a full deck. Every time he came by, he threw out one or two lame jokes, the kind of jokes that you expect to hear from my father (sorry Dad).

We are back at Casa de Burke for a brief respite, before heading off to Casa Viera for some Lechon y Arroz con frijoles negros (that’s also Spanish for YUM!). That’s all for now, SEE YA!

ChickenJoy

Since Carjoy's Mascots didn't feel comfortable taking a road trip without Jon, Keith and I need a new one. And it comes in the form of this chicken:



It even poops bubble gum!

And so, here's the Worst Contest Ever: Name our Chicken Mascot and, when the road trip is done, you get to keep it!*

*Assuming both the chicken and the Keith & Jeff survive. Bubble gum may be stale and/or eaten by the time you get it. All rights reserved.

The Wild Side of Miami

Hi, I might be a little tired. After flying all day, I finally arrived in Miami as the sun was setting. I still didn’t get to sleep on the flight, but at least this time, there was no creepy guy reading smut next to me.

Keith and PapaBurke were waiting for me when I arrived at Miami International Airport where I was whisked away for an official Burkey Home Cooked Meal, by MamaBurke!

On our way to Burkeshire, Keith pointed at a space off the highway and said, “I went to high school there.” Unfortunately, he said it just as we passed by this sign:

Keith's High School! Weooo!

Now at the home where Keith grew up, The Burkes fed us well and the dogs yelled at us. Little devils:

Spike and Red. Both are no more than the size of a nickel!

Afterwards, Keith and I went shopping for road trip supplies and while out, I discovered even more wild animals! Frogs on the front lawn:

Bud. Err. Etc.

Lizards crawling up and down outside the house:

Brought to you by Geico!

And this evil looking black dog beast that kept us hiding in the car:

Cujo!

We could have perished!

And now: time to sleep.

Small Pox? More Like On the Rocks!!!

Careful!

So the tragic "small pox" outbreak is no more, or more precisely, never happened. He just had a little too much fun in New Orleans before boarding the plane...

Jackass!

Jeff is here now and we just finished eating my Mom's Ropa Vieja, that's spanish for YUM!!! It's time to drink wine and listen to embarassing stories about my childhood. Peace out for now.

Almost Over Before it Begins?

So, here I am, minding my own business, calmly waiting for Jeff to get his $3 wine soaked ass here, when this pops up on the news...

Oooof course Jeff decides to fly into a "Hot Zone" (sorry, I've seen Outbreak one too many times). Someone flying on the same airline and landing into the same terminal as Jeff, decided that their carry on luggage would be SMALL POX! Idiot! (ehhem, I hope everyone is okay, or somethin)

Could this be the end of the 'worst road trip ever'?? Thankfully (for us) and sadly (for everyone reading this) the answer is no. Jeff should be getting here in a few hours. Apparenly there is another idiot on his flight who forgot to clear their luggage through customs (but that could be polite airline speak for "you will begin bleeding from your eye holes momentarily"), you can never be too sure!

Putting the Ass in First Class.

I've just landed in Charlotte, NC for a fifteen second layover before heading off to Miami!


Due to the wonderful world of Airline Miles, I was able to book myself in First Class--considering it was the last seat on the plane, i really didn't have a choice, I suppose.

But wow! First class! It’s my first experience not flying coach. All of the fancy business people who fly in suits surround me. Very serious. No laughing! Early boarding! Woooo!

The guy across the aisle from me spent most of the time waiting for the rubes to file into coach on the phone, speaking to a colleague in his southern accent. He’s asking about Julie’s office. Here's a short transcript:

"Is Julie's office nice?"

"No. Is it nice?"

"Julie's office. Is it. . . Is it. . .the office? Is it. No. Is it nice?"

"Is Julie's office...? Is julie's office...? Is julie's office nice? Is it nice?"

There seems to be a breakdown of communication. Maybe it’s because he’s calling someone from an airplane.

After only three hours of sleep last night, I was ready for a serious nap, and the plush seating in first class is built for just such an experience. As soon as I sat down, the seat enveloped me and I could feel my eyes drooping.

I was nodding off minutes after being seated, and I couldn’t have been happier. (And for the record, Julie’s office apparently couldn’t have been nicer, my fellow first classmate eventually ascertained before hanging up.)

Finally, there was silence—aside from the roar of the gauche passengers in Coach and the ridiculous new age music piping through the airplane. (These were accompanied by visuals of running streams and leaves swirling in a park the few times I opened my eyes.)

Just as I was passing out, I heard a little voice in my head. I couldn’t quite decipher what it was, but it went away and I tried to ignore it. Then, just as I was thisclose to sleeping…it happened again. Muttering.

What the hell??

I opened my eyes and looked to my right, where another business traveler was seated. An Asian man in his late 40s, wearing a smart dark orange polo and khaki pants. Quietly, but to himself, he’s reading a book. I can hear him. The book he’s reading? An alarmingly well-worn copy of this:

Loving Mollie.

This can’t be a romance novel, can it? Is this man…in first class!…reading a trashy romance novel??? He puts the book face down for a moment, and I see the typical long haired male model pressing who I can only assume is Mollie up against his firm bosom. Loving Mollie. The tagline reads “A song of love plays forever.” Ofcourseitdoes.

For some reason, my mind wanders to MollyJoy Ruane.

I guess they’ll let anyone sit in first class. Am I drunk with Keith and his family in Miami yet?